Agony Aunt Abbey

Send in your worries to aunty abbey and i shall post the q's and a's on this page.Remember, theres nothing to be ashamed of. you can remain anonymousUnless i want to be mean and broadcast your identity to the world wide web. Send Your worries to ; mailto:real_life_fantasy@hotmail.co.uk

Or add me to msn and i shall reply instantly.

Well agony aunt abbey i am in a pickle jar with a cumquat becuase i feel that girls don't like me cos of my hair. And that it feels like they judge me and all i pull are townie girls who try to change me. Hellllppp! - Jamie Bassist From 'Trevor'

Well Jamie, i suggest that you get a collegue or one of your helpful townie girlfriends to open the lid of your pickle jar and help you clamber out.This may help your problem.Don't worry about the unwanted attention, i would invest in a new 'Townie and Chav Scum Reppelent' product found in the black market.

HELP ME HELP ME i need help i have 2 glasses of alcohol and only one straw i wanna drink both glasses at the same time how do i do it? also i am worried when i walk around school as there is a purple ball floating behind me humming is this normal? - Anon.

Well, Anon.I suggest you tip both glasses into a jug, mix them around a bit then pour them back into a large glass.There is nothing to worry about, unless the purple humming ball is called Mr.Gary-Snail.If this is the case, you should get out of town, drink until you collapse and see if you wake up next to a corpse's head in the morning.

Oh my god! Agony aunt abbey! You HAVE to help me.

Last week i was out in morcombe bay collecting cockles and i had to run for almost a minute because the tide was coming in!i was totally tierd out and as i went to sit down on the sand, i jumped back up because a crab bit my arse!I would like to know if this would give me 'crabs'. -anon.

Well i hate to tell you this anon, but the crabs in morcombe bay have posionous spunk.As you have been bitten by this crab i fear you shall pass it on to others.(STAY AWAY FROM ME) I think you should hang yourself for working there in the first place. Get a friend to film it - i need a good laugh.

Question; ryte agony aurnt abbah i did sumit stoopid an got me bitch pregnant, wht do i do, i dun wanna be a dad and me bitch will get fkin fat.

Answer; ...Are you inbred? Or just a chav? I hate chavs.

help me help me this is an update i spoke to the purple humming ball which followed me around casually the replies i got were *gary* *gary* so i emergrated in my submarine i have recently learnt that the purple ball has become a jelly and is goin to consume me wtf i dont wanna be eaten im too busy biting chavs HELLLLPPPPP!!

Bad idea talking to the purple humming ball, it now has caused a chemical reaction to turn itself into a jelly-like form. It will consume you from the feet upwards. submarine warfare does not prevent this happening, you need to gather some wild pixies, a pack of pork sausages and some PIE. Smear these over your body then you will not be consumed. Hope this helps, send a photo in.

Dear A.A.A

I'm stuck in a rut what am i gonna do? i've lost my house key, and lost both shoes.

There's a turk in my basement, with one leg in cement, the FBI are investigating my prostate, and im worried that my girlfriend is 'late'.

MunkeyCMunkeyPoo.

Where do i start MCMP?

Re-claim your rut, for you should have the honor of shafting the tv aerial into your bum-hole, to keep the FBI busy trying to fiddle around for it in your intestines.The turk problem is quite common, for now immagration is rising, Who you gonna call? Turk Advising!

Don't worry about your girlfriend, just switch the oven off if she starts to swell.